Illustration: Laia Arqueros Claramunt
It’s a night in April 2013, I am also about to enter a man’s western Hollywood bed room after our very own next date. This man’s bedroom is actually a basement, and, strolling down the gray carpeted stairways i do believe regarding the crucial range from 2007 film
Zodiac:
“few individuals have basements in California.” I don’t know what sort of individual would elect to hole up in a basement, but when I enter this man’s, We see a multitude of tools: a cane sword, a number of daggers, a Freddy Krueger glove.
This man’s cellar space is just full of guns. Versus flipping around and strolling out like other individuals would when facing a number of independently owned guns, I go, “is the fact that a Klingon Bat’leth?” Because this is actually myself now. I have accepted my fortune as Hana Michels: old woman to fuck All the Sword Guys. (in so far as i can tell, a Sword chap is actually a person whom accumulates swords, beliefs swords, or provides actually utilized the phrase “respect the blade.”) I spent three years of living with a person the master of a Klingon Bat’leth. And a cane sword. And a Freddy Glove. And several daggers. Actually, should you decide experience a sword man in a large coastal area, you must know that I have had sex with him.
We really believe there is better demo of sexism inside our society than the simple fact that we talk about pet women yet not sword dudes (and I try not to imply to disparage either). This is even though the changeover to the sword-guy way of living is actually swifter: A woman has to have, suppose, a lot more than three cats before her cat control turns out to be a lifestyle declaration and other people consider their a “cat woman.” But if some guy only mounts one katana on his wall surface they are stating, “That’s all, it is me personally today.” But we never ever mention sword men?
We used to think it was because blade dudes only occur in the Coasts, along with center America “sword dudes” are “gun men.” But my personal sword-guy stand-up material went more than effectively in Arizona this year, and several associated with the blade guys i have installed with were transplants just who got their own swords with these people on their quest to either Coast. Additionally, sword-demo YouTube films seem to be recorded everywhere while the sword
subreddit
appears preferred for the world. Sword guys are a proper class men and women â we simply are not referring to them. We think pet ladies have “given right up,” but a man whoever bed room is full of weapons continues to be super-inviting. Trust in me, because I evidently find them super-inviting.
You can’t just spot a sword man on the road (unless you are me), because sword guys do not have many unifying features. Unlike “gun dudes,” sword men don’t seem to possess any political opinions in keeping, unless “swords are cool and that I like cutting right through plastic bottles” is a political perception. You may believe all sword guys are nerds, but this is simply not true. They may be nerds, they might be jocks, they may even be a hybrid of the two.
Sword guys aren’t necessarily social outcasts, sometimes. They simply have actually pals that happen to be cool with going out around a bunch of swords. Often, they may be white dudes enthusiastic about Japanese culture, but this is not a guideline: My ex aided by the Bat’leth wasn’t (though he had been completely a white guy with black framed specs, because most widely used uniform of this sword man is strictly exactly like the consistent associated with the Zodiac Killer). In reality, the one thing I can say sword men share is not caring whether or not the dates they buying believe they truly are a serial killer. Also, that they like swords i suppose.
Unlike you, i will recognize sword dudes without ever having seen their particular swords. I just connected with somebody who’d heard my sword-guy jokes and said, “Don’t worry, I have no swords. IN ADDITION LISTED HERE IS AN ITEM OF SHARON TATE’S FIREPLACE I RECENTLY HAPPEN TO OBTAIN.” You are aware Sharon Tate! From CHARLES MANSON MURDERING HER! Jesus, please i’d like to get back to sword men.
If you are planning to bang a lot of sword men it is advisable to understand which blade dudes are in fact well worth fucking. I’ve determined a hierarchy of blade men and it goes as follows:
Guy with replica swords from pop-culture things he wants.
This person merely fairly cool. He might actually make these swords from scratch for cosplay functions, that’s an actual expertise. I’ll just take a Star Trek Bat’leth over a QVC katana any day. This person knows just what he loves in which he’s never daunted by having to show it. Fuck yeah.
Guy with typical swords.
Every guy with an everyday blade starts with similar “limited model” (notice: “limited release” indicates nothing) QVC/eBay katana. Katanas will be the Bulbasaur of blade catching, and that man desires be a real blade grasp. He might or may well not generate YouTube demo video clips inside the Karate Gi playing obscure steel songs.
Man which keeps a dagger under his pillow for “protection.”
RUN, operate, operate, operate FROM THIS man. Also if this option care about security plenty WHY DO THEY HAVE NEVER CONDOMS?
After setting up with a number of sword men I made the decision I would better begin exploring sword-guy culture. An effective starting point studying sword guys is to type “my katana sword” when you look at the YouTube look club. One can find sets from sword unboxing, weapon-collection overviews, to the best: men cutting things within their backyards, once again, frequently over metal songs. There isn’t any scarcity of white guys in Karate Gis right here. Several of those movies reveal individuals evaluating and hammering their particular swords so that people determine if they’re an advisable buy. Although I’ve never seen a sword guy in fact use his sword for far from decoration, ALL OF THEM WILLING TO. And they’ll inform you as such. Right before creating on.
You will see the sporadic sword woman in your sword-guy video look. You should never read her comments. If there’s the one thing I’ve discovered sword tradition, it’s that sword ladies deserve a lot better than the YouTube statements they get (and therefore white everyone is obsessed with Japanese weaponry). Another way to discover more about sword-guy society should view an inordinate level of QVC. I would recommend carrying this out from a medical facility sleep, and that means you do not feel terrible about watching an inordinate amount of QVC. Please be aware that, as any worthwhile sword guy will say to you, a lot of the swords on QVC tend to be overhyped. But that is the character of QVC and that is the thing that makes it therefore fun to look at out of your hospital sleep and/or Ca cellar bed room stuffed with tools.
More I delved into an online sword-guy bunny opening, the greater amount of I understood the field of blade folks is actually diverse and I have no wish of unifying and recognizing it, in spite of how numerous sword dudes we meet. Every sword guy is different. Although some certainly have actually dreams of preserving damsels in distress and you need to absolutely steer clear of those ones, others just think their particular swords seem cool, or are really into
Game of Thrones
. Some swords are holdovers from childhood, other individuals tend to be lifelong collections.
I am carrying out some sword-guy laughs in my stand-up work for more than per year today and much more frequently than not some dude comes up to me after the tv show and states “that’s me!” or DMs myself an image of his blade. These guys are very excited to understand they are not alone. Plus they aren’t. The field of sword dudes is diverse, but every sword man shares a common record. Because they’ve all had gender with me.